Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
