see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The Olympian is in my bed
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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