weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
