if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
