I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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