On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
