He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
