There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
