I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize