Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
