Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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