If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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