Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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