Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
