the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Boobs are out for the taking
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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