I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
