just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
third nipple confirmed
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
