I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
