I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
