I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
