He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
