Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
