I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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