Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
