im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
please come you make the beer taste better
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
