Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
