and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I've blown a few things in my day
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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