My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
