My underwear smells like fireworks.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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