And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
