you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
