Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize