I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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