mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
