Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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