he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
