I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
