My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
