I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
