My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
