how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
