wakey wakey hands off snakey
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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