You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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