I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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