Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
