i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
