if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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