Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
