My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Life is so much better after having sex.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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