My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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