Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize