Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
