My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
