i just had sex bonerless
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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