you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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