The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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