the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
